


But Wait, There's More!

by OnyxBird



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Infomercials, Mild Innuendo, Wacky prosthetics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25098058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyxBird/pseuds/OnyxBird
Summary: Hook asked Emma if there were other "attachments" besides his hook that she would prefer, but what type of attachments are available? Emma watches an infomercial for the MultiHook collection, displaying a range of interesting attachments for your one-handed pirate.
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan





	But Wait, There's More!

Emma supposed she should probably get up and go to bed. There was nothing particularly compelling on TV. It had been nothing but infomercials for the past hour. She'd only left it on for the noise. Just a few more minutes and she'd drag herself out of her chair. Just a little longer...

She wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting when the TV caught her eye again. This presenter appeared to be dressed as a pirate.

"Need a hand? Tired of making do with just a stump or a plain hook? It's time to try the patented MultiHook prosthetic collection!"

Emma watched, puzzled. Yes, the infomercial really did seem to be advertising to people who were missing a hand. In classic infomercial fashion, she was treated to a montage of one-handed people struggling with daily tasks, from getting dressed to opening jars to...archery? _Yes_ , Emma realized, _that really is a one-handed guy trying to shoot a bow. Is this a_ local _channel? Storybrooke infomercials are seriously weird._ Emma tilted her head as a guy in a tuxedo appeared. Apparently, being underdressed for formal occasions was also a dire issue for the hook-handed.

Now the presenter, who had been narrating the difficulties plaguing one-handed people around the world, was back on screen to present the solution: the MultiHook collection.

"The sophisticated pirate will never again be underdressed with our Swashbuckling Selection." The camera panned over an array of flashy hooks and hand-shaped prosthetics decorated with precious metals and gems. "The ever-popular centerpiece of this collection is the MultiHook Treasure, a classic, functional hook prosthesis plated in pure gold or silver. When ordered as part of our collection, a 100-character engraving is included absolutely free! And for the tech-savvy trend-setters among you, the Selection also features our newest item, the Captain Bluetooth. No longer must you occupy your intact hand when taking a call. With our unique, bluetooth-enabled hook, you can multitask while you talk!"

Tuxedo-pirate now looked glowingly happy with his gold-plated hook, with several beautiful woman hanging off his arms. "Captain Bluetooth" just looked ridiculous. He looked like he was preparing to dig earwax out of his ear with the tip of his hook while talking to himself like a crazy man. _Who on earth decided that the_ tip _of the hook was right place to put the earpiece?_ wondered Emma. Then she could have kicked herself—these people were selling bluetooth-enabled hooks and all she was questioning was the placement of the earpiece? Still, she couldn't quite tear her eyes away from the screen.

"Do you have a hungry crew to feed? Then you can't go wrong with the Pirates of the Kitchen collection. We offer kitchen knife attachments in a variety of sizes, from paring knives up to meat cleavers. Never misplace your whisk again—it's right on your arm! Upgrade to the Iron-Hooked Chef offer for five powerful food processor attachments. They slice. They dice. Food processing power not just _at_ your fingertips, but _instead_ of your fingertips! But wait, there's more! Call now and we'll throw in the immersion blender attachment absolutely free!"

The immersion blender attachment looked like something out of a horror movie. A weird, campy horror movie, probably called something like _Bionic Pirates from Outer Space_. The blades whirred away, while the model displaying it bore a creepily wide smile. _That's an "I'm going to kill you" smile if I_ _ever saw one_ , thought Emma.

The infomercial went on to display hooks on telescoping arms, hooks with folding blades like a Swiss Army knife, sword blades to attach in place of the hook, and a dizzying array of other attachments. Any minute, Emma expected to see the reveal that this was some kind of humor show rather than a real infomercial, but it went on and on in apparent sincerity.

Finally the ad seemed to be winding down, laying it on thick with all the amazing offers and their great value. The presenter was busy summing up all the various collections you could purchase for "just $19.99!" and she thought he was done.

"But wait, there's more! Order any MultiHook collection within the next 10 minutes and receive our Magic Fingers massager attachment absolutely—" Emma grabbed for the remote. _No._ She did not want to see the demo for the "massager," especially not from a winking model who looked eerily like Hook. The remote slipped out of her hand and...

Emma jerked awake. The TV was blaring a perfectly innocent infomercial for some sort of miracle eggbeater. A _normal_ eggbeater, held in the hand instead of replacing it. She picked up the remote and turned it off.

Hook's earlier comment floated through her mind unbidden: "My hook...Or is there another attachment that you'd prefer?"

Emma shook her head to clear it and rubbed her eyes. She hauled herself out of the chair and headed for the bathroom to brush her teeth. _Okay, that does it. No more falling asleep in front of the TV. It gives me nightmares._


End file.
